Asking For Seconds.
There is something about fear that ignites me, challenges me, pushes me to my limits, and always surprises me with my own strength after I overcome them. I haven’t always felt this way. This newfound appreciation came whilst living out here at sea (of course). Cause, out here, as I have said before, you can't escape it - fear. It’s all around, every step of the way. There are still a handful of things I'm not comfortable (fearful) doing like, oh say, snorkeling or swimming in the ocean. (I still hear the soundtrack to the movie Jaws whenever I enter into the water to swim!) What? I know, I know what you’re thinking; you live at sea, anchored in the most beautiful waters, aren't you frolicking in the gloriousness of the clear blue waters all the time? Diving fearlessly off the back of the boat each day? Swimming laps in the morning for your daily exercise? No, no, and no. I am not that adventurous (I may never be); however, I am still enjoying the splendid waters whilst gazing above her as my kids splash around. And that, my friends, is the damn truth.
When we first decided to live on the boat, my first thought was fear. This was not surprising to me or my family, as fear was the first reason I didn't even want to discuss the idea of living on a boat. Sooooo many unknowns and unfamiliar things I had absolutely no knowledge of or, I thought, any desires to even do. But, in my older age, I have thankfully embraced the hard fact that I am the type of woman who needs to have some knowledge of things before I can fully understand them. Fear is usually the first feeling I get when I don't. And, if it's scary, I will resist it even more. I will convince myself (and those around me) why I am not doing this or that and how I have no desire to do the thing and then endlessly question my ability even to do it and on and on. When I was younger, fear paralyzed me, stopped me in my tracks, hindered my growth, and froze up my creative expression when in fearful circumstances. I still did things that scared me, don't get me wrong, but fears, as you know, are individual and very specific to the person. Meaning the things that frightened me might not have frightened others and vice versa. More specifically, the things I was fearless doing (like dropping out of college and moving to NYC alone at 19yrs old, for example) - didn't scare me enough not to do it. I was afraid of many things, of course, but my excitement overwhelmed it all, and I embraced my unknown city life like a duck takes to water (like my husband takes to the sailing). I most likely inherited my street smarts from my Ma, cause I did not grow up having to survive them over in the sheltered pocket of the shiny westside of LA.
My Ma, you see, grew up in a tough neighborhood in Chicago. She learned, at a very young age, how to survive city life. How to protect herself, her family, and her friends. She has fearless street smarts, still seems to thrive in urban environments (even though she doesn't live in one), and has no problem bitting your head off if you mess with her or anyone she loves. In other words, she is a tough bitch (don't mess with my Ma!). She is also uber prepared for the apocalypse, has an abundant amount of dried and canned goods, all the necessary medical equipment to fearlessly perform doctoral duties like the best of them if someone was injured or sick and learned (at 19yrs old!) how to brilliantly sing in Portuguese (without having known the language before) and travel around the world performing it. My point, she is fearless on one side of the coin but super fearful on the other, like say - oh the natural world. Bugs, snakes, insects, the sunshine, lions, tigers, and bears, oh my!
Yes yes I know what you are thinking - the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree (so many sharks!) Because living on land or in a city is what I've known. It was what I felt most comfortable surviving in. However, I have learned, especially from living at sea, that fear will remain fear if you don't allow yourself to experience the things you, well, fear. And, as you know, fear is a bitch. She is a strong force that will convince you why you should not be doing this or that and how much could go wrong (death!) and what could be lurking around the corner (needle fish, sea snakes, sting rays and more sharks!), and what could happen if you made the wrong move (man overboard!) and on and on. It's an endless rabbit hole fear, and, news flash, it isn't even real. It's just a feeling, an emotion - that's it. I have a hard time remembering this in the heat of the dramatic moment. But, it’s just a feeling, not actually reality. Profound when you think about it like that. Especially if you have anxiety around it. Om fucking shanti shanti.
I remember when I was living in my first apartment with my first roommate in a fabulously charming rundown 1 bedroom apartment in NYC (the bathtub was in the kitchen!) I had dropped out of college to pursue my desire to study acting in the only city I ever wanted to live. I was shockingly fearless enough to move there alone and figure it out. I signed up for a class in an old-school playhouse in the West Village where the greats once were called HB Studios. It was a dream. I would go to acting class during the day and work as a waitress at night. Shortly into this new life, someone in my acting class got me an audition for a Shakespeare play at a prestigious theatre called The Public. I was excited, of course, but oh so terrified (not only had I never done Shakespeare before, but I had never even auditioned!) So, I did what I was learning in acting class. And yes, I arrived at the audition with props (so many props, I even lite a damn candle!) It was a disaster to say the least, and I didn't get the part. After the audition, though, my friend asked me how it went, and after I told him horribly and that I clammed up (a sea joke!), he quickly said, "what were you so afraid of? It's not like anyone in the audition had knives and was about to kill you (strange thing to say, but he did) Then he said, "Look, all you have to do to feel comfortable is imagine that everyone in the audience is naked. I bet that will help you relax next time to be freer." Interesting thought, I thought. And, I tried it at the next one. But, it turned out to be a terrible idea for me. It threw me into a whole different mindset, as you might imagine.
My point, be careful who you take advice from (of course), and you can only get through your fears by conquering them yourself through repetitive action. Eventually (one hopes) you will free yourself of them. It may take a lifetime, but at least you are actively facing them. Oh, and also you don’t need to bring props to auditions. Now, there are many things I will probably never do (never say never I know but) like parachute out of a plane on my own doing (unless, of course, emergencies), freaking parasail high above in the sky, hang glide, zip line, night dive (I can't even) or anything to do with heights (!) I'm good on the ground, thank you very much. However, if I did do them, the question remains - would I enjoy it (most likely not), would I get over my fear (I'd say no), would I be glad I did it (no chance) Do you get where I am going with this? Good, me either!
I guess what I am trying to say is this - constantly challenging yourself with things that most terrifies you may be the thing you most likely need to do so you can get over yourself and transform. So you can continue to grow. Look, had I never had the courage to live on a boat I would have missed out on this incredible sea adventure. Do I love it all, no? Do I love most of it, yes. Does the good outweigh the bad (I would say it's not bad; it's just uncomfortable). Do I want to live my life solely on a boat for the rest of my days - hell no. Do I appreciate this time with my family and the connection we have gained by this experience - oh my yes. Do I have a deeper respect for the sea and all the creatures living within her - beyond and then some. But, most importantly, I have learned I am a big girl and can get over my fears (at least some of them!) And that, eventually, the thing I was most scared of becomes a part of me and I finally get over it and the fear dissolves into knowledge, power, and strength solely from the experience I had in conquering them.
It's like your first born child. You pop them out at the hospital (in my case), try to figure out the breast feeding thing (so challenging), the correct latching (ouch!), the long recovery of your own body from childbirth (my first was a unavoidable c-section), and then you get to bring them home all alone without the nurses to help you (!) Fear, of course, was the first thing in my mind I’m not sure about you. Fear of how to mother this little being correctly, fear of too many things to list. But then, with time, you figure it out. You repeat and repeat and embrace the fact that you will be sleep deprived for at least a year, and your breast are not sexual objects but a food source, and you change a million diapers, and you are more in love with this little creature than your heart can take. Then, as they grow up you begin to show them the ropes and they become more and more independent and your biggest hope is that your influence helps them become the best of them. And all the fears they will face (so many!) will help motivate them to grow or, at the very least, try new food and discover new taste. HA!
I must kvetch (it's yiddish look it up) about my kids and food though. Really my son. He is the snobby eater (my husband said he’s like me - sorry kid.) My daughter is the adventurous eater. Alway had been, even in my uterus. Seriously, when I was pregnant with my her I craved foods I never really ate much of - heavy cream, butter, stinky cheese, pork (I never ate it before) and dark beer (!). With my son it was all the stuff I love - green vegetables, tropical fruits, ethnic foods and lots a avocados. When they were both younger, they ate whatever I made them (as they do). But as they aged, they stopped being interested. Well, my son did. And ya know what it is - fear! (unfortunately he got my fear gene too!) Yes, fear. Fear of tasting something new that doesn't look familiar, fear of not liking it, fear of the unknown. But, there is a rule at my table now - you must try everything. You don't have to eat it if you don't like it, but you must try it cause, like in life, you never know until you have a taste. It is an adventure, with many new flavors, many hills and valleys and trees to climb, many unknown creatures lurking around the corners, many many things to explore - embrace them all, the exciting and the fearful - it’s the only way you can grow. Just like my son - sometimes, when he gets enough courage to taste a new flavor, it genuinely surprises him when he actually likes it. He actually liked the damn thing he was so fearful to try. And then, having had that experience, it helps him take the next unknown thing around the corner. And sometimes, sometimes, he actually asks for seconds.
