Start spreading the news
I have expressed this before I know - even wrote about it here - how I was raised (my childhood blah blah) and how I wanted to stay at home with my kids when they were young. But now, now, almost a decade deep, I am done (done I say!). I am at the grass is greener moment. I am at the; my kids need to see that their Mama can do more things than just be their private chef, butler, laundress, manicurist, pedicurist, homeschool teacher, doctor, and personal assistant. I know, I know I have expressed this before but this time is different. This time, I have unleashed it. This time, I have taken action. And decided, committed, to move my family across the ocean to pursue it (on land!).
Don't get me wrong; I have loved, loved, being a stay-at-home mom for the past decade (omgawd it's been a decade!). I did what I set out to do - be at home (constantly) with my kids. We bonded, breastfeed, played, yelled, cried, laughed, cooked, bathed, tended to them when sick, and on and on. This time has been incredible, and I am so grateful for it but, I'm done (have I said this already?). I need a break; I need a moment, I need to pop out of this motherhood bubble and get back to work. Not only to get back in touch with my individual creative life but also for my sanity.
At first, I just wanted a little room of my own with a lock and a large sign that says do not knock or ask me for anything unless it is a dire bloody emergency. But we have been traveling around so much this last year, I never really had the opportunity. Not to mention, it is beyond challenging to work from home with your kids at home too. The millions of working moms out there holding down their jobs (and homeschooling their kids simultaneously among everything else) at home in this pandemic is nothing short of a superhero Olympic feat. It is near impossible to focus unless, of course, you have help on hand or a partner who takes them, but that is only for what, a few hours, and that is when it is just getting started. A few hours into working creativity is when you begin. When you get over your procrastination of cleaning the closet (but I must!), or organizing something (have you seen the inside of the cabinet lately - it's terrible), or perhaps you want to do an exercise class first (which is an hour). Then you shower and then get a snack, and THEN your 2 hours are up. My point, mothers take a brutal hit, especially if they are at home allllll the time. It works on your patience like no other until the moment comes (after your children remind you how much you yell at them) - that you need a break. You must. If only for a day or a week or a few or even a month! A whole month without the duties of mothering, I can't even imagine. With so much time on my hands, I would either be able to seize the foooking day or not be able to do anything at all - paralyzed by the silence. That's how it works. I remember when I was a first-time mother, and my unsettled infant son finally fell asleep for a nap - I was struck with what to do. I honestly didn't know how best to utilize my fleeting time alone. Do I shower (always), take a nap (no), do laundry (I'm a laundress, remember!), read a book (no time!), exercise (fuck off), get a massage (yes, please) and on and on.
We can't help it, though, women, that's the problem. We are caretakers by design. Some of us aren't, of course, but that's not the case with me. Let's take my love for cooking as an example. When I first started this motherhood shit (see, I need a break!), and my kids started eating real food, I made all their meals (as we do). Cooked, pureed, roasted, blended, organized, froze, labeled, etc - and they happily ate anything I put in front of them. It was amazing! Then, the older they got, they began to develop their own taste buds (bitches), and they started to like certain things more than others, so I adapted to their particular changing ways (big mistake!). I would make like three separate meals at any given time. I would be so tired at the end of the thing that I would hardly eat myself. It's like the scene in the brilliant movie "A Christmas Story" when the mother who had been cooking dinner all day (or whatever) finally sits down at the table (exhausted). The minute her ass hits the chair, and she is about to enjoy her accomplishments, her kids ask her for something. Up and down she went from her seat to accommodate them. Finally, when she thinks they have everything they need and lifts her fork to put the piece of food dangling off of it into her mouth, she sees that her youngest is just playing with his food - not eating. So, instead of taking a bite of food, she is concerned that he is not eating and decides to play the "piggy game" with him, so HE eats his food. You see, that's deep embedded ancient shit right there.
Look, the truth is, when I got pregnant with my first, I was an actress living in NYC pursuing my dreams of stage and screen (I wrote about that too here if you wanna). I chose to take a break from that life and fully embrace my Rubenesque state and enjoy the joys of pregnancy and motherhood. I decided to focus on my other passions - cooking and writing. I ended up writing a cookbook in the process, and then we moved to a farm, and then I got deeper and deeper into cooking. Cooking became my performance, my creative expression. Our gorgeous seasonal garden endlessly inspired me, and I cooked many family-style meals for anyone I could. I thought, maybe this was my path, to be a food personality or something. Before the pandemic hit, I was shooting cooking videos; I learned how to edit and play around with creating my cooking show. But then the world turned upside down, and my kids were constantly around; oh, and we sold everything and started to travel. I was left with no alone time (none!) and asking myself what was it that I truly wanted to focus on.
If I was honest, what I loved most about doing cooking videos (or Instagram videos for that matter) is the performance aspect of it all more than trying to teach you how to make a damn tomato sauce. I love to talk food or bake friends cookies or send recipes or help anyone who asks for direction in the kitchen don’t get me wrong but, I realized that is just who I am and I will do that no matter what and I didn't have to make a career out of it (or at least not now anyway). But, it wasn’t until I worked on scenes from my first audition in years (shot and taped on the boat no less) that it really hit me over the head with how much I missed the whole process and must, must get back at it. Not to mention, I was just offered the part of that movie audition too which is a whole other story entirely but YAY! At any rate, it took awhile for me to fully commit to this decision (so long) but it takes a long time to make solid decisions (sooooooo long!). I know I have said this before too. I actually wrote it (below) after we decided to buy the boat. Ah the boat, I am sure you are wondering about the boat. All I will say is this, when we purchased it we had it in our contract if, for some reason we didn’t like it, the company would buy it back. And that, as they say, was that.
"I have learned that the best way to move forward in life is to allow yourself to take a long pause before you decide on your next move ahead. Ensuring your decision is not based on some reaction from emotion or ego, but one that is clear and grounded. The most important thing to keep in mind while you are deep in this figuring phase, though, is to have some patience (so hard for me) and trust that the road you are on will eventually lead you to the clarity you seek. This process will most likely (and annoyingly) take some time, so try to get comfortable in the discomfort of the unknown. Try to embrace that shit. Honor the process and be a non-judgmental witness to your past (impossible!). And remember, no matter how many struggles or defeats you've had (many), no matter what you liked or didn't like or what you wished you would have changed or didn't do. Seek out those habitual patterns that don't serve you anymore and let them go. Gather up the lessons you've learned, leave your old drama behind, clean up the muck, and get out of your own way so you can openly receive your answer."
So start spreading the news bitches, we’re gonna make a brand new start of it in old New York!
