Moments

Life is made up of a series of moments. Most of the time, they seem to unconsciously wash over us without realizing that we are actually in one - a moment. We are all in such a hurry of getting “somewhere”, we let them pass us by from panic, worry, dread, impatience, hormones, motherhood, and on and on that we hardly take notice they even exist at all. If you are lucky, sometimes something or someone jerks you into the present moment so you can enjoy it - not worrying about what is to come, if it will come, why hasn’t it come yet, when will it come, and will I be okay when it does. Little do we know (or consciously realize) that we are already where we are meant to be.

I’ve been running around like a chicken with this notion that I have some control over the way things go down. It’s been a reoccurring theme in my life ever since I can remember. This deep stubborn desire to try and change a situation that I do not like and do my damned-ness to do anything I can to try and muscle my way to fix the “wrongs” that I want to make “right”. The need to make better, the need to change my flustered frustrated state of mind, the need for serenity, the need for love, the need to be heard, seen, understand, and, gawd damn it - appreciated!

But now, things have deepened cause now, I am a woman of a certain age who is in throngs of PERIMENOPAUSE (google that shit if you need). And, one of the many fun things that come during this middle-aged female stage of life is having trouble falling asleep cause your hormones and body temperature are dying and burning away (super sexy I know). Anyway, for the past few years in this thing, I have been having trouble getting, going, and remaining asleep. I was never this kind of lady before. I was always a hit-my-head-to-the-pillow and go fast asleep type - no matter the time of night or temperature of the room. Unfortunately, this hasn’t been the case for some time as nowadays, if I attempt to go to sleep past, say, 10 pm (no later!), I lay in bed awake - tossing and turning with a million thoughts in my mind, temperature fluctuating between hot and cold, and unable to get comfortable enough to fall asleep for hours. The real kicker though, and comedy, is that I am a very little sleeper so when I actually do finally get to sleep - I am most likely awoken by the noise of my husband snoring (sorry babe) or from being drenched in a pool of sweat or, more commonly, from the loud sound of little feet pitter-pattering into my room to be suddenly shaken awake by my daughter.

This nighttime routine has been going on for a few years now and, no doubt started way back at a time when I was younger and had more patience. A time when I had the desire to have her get into bed with me and snuggle in the comforting warm embrace of my motherly arms. A time when I actually looked forward to getting into her bed at bedtime to read her a bedtime story. So, judge me if must, but those days are gone. At this stage, when she shakes me awake in the middle of the night, my first thought is not to comfort my child. My first thought in that moment of restless slumber, is to leave me the F alone as a guttural grunt of some animalistic sound uncontrollably projects out of my mouth. Listen kid, Mommy has done her duties. The shop is closed so good night and good luck.

Look, I need to get a solid 8 hours of sleep. Period. Cause, if I don’t, I’m useless the next day. My brain doesn’t function on all cylinders, my mood is shit and my patience (if I have any left) goes out the window. But, even still, every time I find myself in this state, I seemingly do not accept the way I actually feel and attempt to do everything I can to get myself out of feeling the way that I do except taking a damn nap (which is really an unrealistic option especially during the Summer months!). Anyway, on this particular morning, the morning after my daughter awoke me in the night for the millionth time, I suddenly became conscious of my neurotic behavior and painfully observed my desperate attempts to change the way I felt. I endlessly drank caffeine, did shots of green powder, vitamins, gallons of lemon water, exercised, cold shower, body scrub, blah blah blah. Now, I am not saying that’s bad, to try and balance yourself with things that have historically made you feel better, I’m just saying I suddenly became conscious of my behavior in my desperate pursuit to change that particular moment I did not want to be in. The need to control it. And then it hit me, what if I just accepted my state of mind, as it was, and let it be what it is. What if I just embraced it and let it alone without this deep need to change it? What if everything was as it was meant to be? Cause, like it or not, it’s all we got - these fleeting moments in time.

I let that state of consciousness wash over me. I was able to get in touch with my breath, feel the air on my skin, my feet on the floor, realize that I was alive, and then was able to be present. I reflected on my dramatic behavior the night before, how I wasn’t proud of how I handled it, how I could have handled it differently, and how I hoped that that next time I am awakened by my daughter in the middle of the night after I FINALLY had fallen asleep - I don’t get mad or grunt, I take it for what it is, another lesson of relinquishing control and embracing the fact that my daughter simply desires a comforting embrace. But oh, oh my sweet stubborn little daughter, the one who never listens to me, the one who pushes all my buttons all the time, the one that needs all my attention (all the time), the one that is thirsty and then hungry and hears noises and is scared and her tummy hurts and the monsters in the closet and her brother sleepwalks (he doesn’t) - the one who jerks me into the present moment. Maybe next time in the middle of the night, I will realize that her age is fleeting too and one day, when she is an adult - I’ll miss fondly these sleepless nights she interrupts. Hold on, let me think on that for a moment. Hmmm…. NOPE. No way. I can tell you with certainty I won’t miss those sleepless moments!