Spring Cleaning

Not that you asked, or maybe even care, but I am gonna impart some of my middle age wisdom. Cause my story may very well be a mirror to what you might be experiencing as well. This is why we share stories, I believe, in hopes of helping us all feel less alone. And, if you are like me, you can benefit greatly from reading someone else's perspective to perhaps get a glimpse into your own that you might be avoiding. Like maybe there is something you have thought about changing for a while and just needed an extra nudge. Perhaps this is your nudge. Also, Spring is upon us, which is always the season to reflect, renew, release and relax bitch. So, are you ready for some unsolicited advice? Good, I'm here to tell it.

I have been reflecting on my life lately and how the f**k I survived these last few years. How, somehow, I made it through relatively still intact. I've had my breakdown moments (seriously, who hasn't, but if you haven't, well, then now is the moment to scream in a damn pillow!) I finally feel as though I can take a pause and reflect on where I began and where I am now. I’ve had a long awaited check-in to how I am actually fairing in this crazy, crazy, crazy-ass, endlessly disturbing world. I have been taking a good look at all the muck hidden under the surface. Seeing how many distractions and routines I have put in place to try and survive the ensuing repetitive drama we are all living through. And, most importantly, how it has actually taken a toll on my nervous system and my emotional and physical well-being. More to the point, I have gotten stuck in some pandemic routines that do not serve or help me thrive.

Let's take, for example, drinking. A habit that quickly planted its roots in the beginning. Like many many, I know (and don't), I indulged in the daily routine of popping open a bottle of wine around the 5 o'clock hour. Counting down the minutes of my day when I found it fitting to start a sippin'. To quote the late great Judy Garland, "Forget your troubles, c'mon get happy. You better chase all your cares away". The world was crumbling all around us, everything unknown, uncertain, and scary. Full of germs and sneezes and masks and surgical gloves (still is but we're used to it now!). Not to mention homeschool (HOMESCHOOL!). I had an ideal vision of doing homeschool in the beginning. How wonderful it will be to teach my children, spend these fleeting young years with them as we read, wrote, made cookies, create art, share with them my thespian talents, blah blah blah blah blah - but only quickly into it, I learn the blaring truth that I am not a teacher. Not a good one, anyway. My patience, along with the rest of my responsibilities in lockdown, almost immediately became ablaze. Too much extra was too much. My already short-lived patience and frustration went BOOM BOOM BOOM. I started to hear myself saying encouraging phrases to my kids (yelling at them really), "do better or speak clearer or just finish this damn assignment already," or my all-time favorite, "I'm doing the best I can, so zip it!"

My point: I was stressed, to say the least, terrified of leaving my house and the safety of everyone I loved and didn't. Everything felt surreal; I was desperately attempting to grasp familiar things that were no longer familiar and, on top of everything else, felt like a failure in my attempts to do it all. Especially educating my children. And, not to single out the mothers here, but I’m gonna. Cause mothers beared a significant brunt of this new Covid reality with no break - endless housework, grocery shopping in full protective gear, cleaning, cooking, babysitting, mothering, homeschooling, zooming, trying to focus on doing their own job and on and on (on loop). But, we do what we have to do to survive. We put our heads down, move forward, do the tasks at hand, and abandon ourselves in the process. Now, 2 years deep, we are just coming up for air with the realizations of how the fuck did we actually make it through and, my gawd, can we do hard things and endure more than we ever gave ourselves credit for. But I digress, back to the booze.

So I admittedly justified that damn glass (or 2 or 3) of wine every damn day as an escape from it all. A desperate need to relax and, at the time, the only way I kinda could get a false sense of calm. I wasn't alone in this ritual either (which always helps). My girlfriends, their girlfriends, mother, sisters, friends, and the entire female race (men too, of course) seemed to be popping open those bottles at the 5 0'clock hour. It became a part of our daily routine. A habit I thoroughly enjoyed until, well, I didn't. Until I started to feel like it was a habit instead of true enjoyment or desire. Until I felt and looked like shit when I woke up in the morning (puffy eyes!), had trouble remaining asleep due to waking in the middle of the night from the BEAT BEAT BEAT of my pounding heart. Now, I would take breaks from my vino to make sure I wasn't an alcoholic or something. To see if I could, in fact, survive the day without ending it with a glass of something. And I did, I survived, but I looked forward to having it again. Especially when I defrosted a rib eye from my Covid pantry to cook up or say make a bowl of pasta. Both those meals traditionally scream pairing with a nice red. You dig.

During these brief breaks, I noticed that when I did pop open that bottle, it was inspired by a special occasion/meal rather than a habit, and I savored it all the more. Not to mention, my sleep drastically improved (no more heart palpitations in the night to wake me from my slumber!), my head was clearer, my creative juices started to flow, and, most importantly, my eyes weren't puffy as freaking pillows when I arose in the morning either. Look, I am vain, and if that means I need to forgo the alcohol, so my aging skin (and eyes) look better and brighter, so be it! But, what I really felt was better. More grounded and less anxious. I also finally saw that this habit I incorporated into my day was hurting me rather than helping. So, I did what I had historically done when I needed to shake things up and really break habits - I did a month long cleanse!

Now, I am not sure you know this about me (or remember me as one such person back in the day), but I used to be a hard-core obsessive health freak. For years, I was one of those annoying, preachy, militant vegetarian, vegan, macrobiotic, and raw foodist types that preached the health nut gospel to anyone who was near. Cause when I first started along that path, I was a habitual cigarette smoker whiskey drinker surviving on my bohemian diet of baguettes and brie. After the initial foggy detox days passed, I felt great and had that vibrant health glow but then, the deeper I got into those diets, the more imbalanced I became. My skin started to break out, I lost my sex drive, and then I lost my period. I was no doubt out of whack emotionally and physically. And thankfully, after years of being consumed by those extreme lifestyle "diets," I finally learned to stop taking myself so freaking seriously and was able to fully embrace the fact that I loved food far too much to live my life in constant restriction. So now, I use it as a tool to jump-start my body back into balance. And, ya know what, it works. Every damn time.

Now, I am not talking about fasting here. Though be my guest if you wanna do that. I am talking about abstaining from a few essential habits for a good few weeks to give your body a break and break some habits you don't like or need. I am talking about sugar (unrefined and refined), alcohol, caffeine, gluten, dairy, and processed foods. Yes, it is boring as fooook and no fun at all, and you start becoming obsessed with things like Chia Seed pudding (seriously). But I encourage you to try it. At the very least, it will shake things up so you can finally get a sense of what is serving you and what is not. Some habits are more challenging to break than others, and there are no doubt days filled with withdrawal headaches, but once you get over the first few humps - it's smooth sailing. Your brain wakes up, and you feel more balanced and refreshed. Cause since I have changed things up, I have a different perspective and desire different ways to wind down at the end of the day, like a cold glass of bubble water with fresh lime juice and a few shakes of Bitters (which are fantastic for digestion too!).

Changing your perception is not a new concept or complicated, but it’s really where it is at. Yes, it can take years, even a lifetime, to fully grasp and actually do. I mean, this is what monks practice whilst on mountains tops. Easier said than done, I know. Believe me, I know. But, when we do, when we commit to ourselves (seriously, you are committing to only yourself!) - you have the opportunity to see yourself in a different light, at a new angle, and change that which doesn't serve you. Cause this is what life is about. Growth. Seasons. Change. It is profound what can happen when you can soberly look at yourself in the eye and admit that you are stuck in a repetitive pattern. And, it is then, and only then, will you have the power, the wherewithal, to actually put it into action and change.

Sometimes it's impossible to actually see your patterns and how you could have fallen into this rut, or why you may feel like shit but continue your routines anyway cause that is what you do and how you are or whatever. But doing a cleanse of some sort can be helpful. You are forced to commit. Get out of your gluttony and survive on green juice, sprouts, and chia seed pudding (so good serious!). Baby step your way out of the cycle or cold turkey that shit. Whatever way will get you motivated to get a new perspective. It's fucking hard to do, don't get me wrong. It takes a strong will, a deep desire, and commitment. But, if there is one thing I know of myself and pretty much the entire human race - we can do hard things. We are survivors. Life ebbs and flows. Nothing lasts forever. You got one life to live, so go out and live it to the best of your ability and then take a deep breath and go further.

Oh, and last thing, you're probably not drinking enough water. Especially if you drink caffeine and alcohol - you need to add an extra glass of water for each cup or glass. Not to mention, it can absolutely affect the puffiness of those eyes of yours in the morning too, which is another indication you're not drinking enough water and are dehydrated. So, for vanity or not, drink more water. Your body will thank you, and you'll feel better. Ok, I'm done. Now, go and do it. And, most importantly, if you need help, ask for it.

Happy Spring!